| Nov. 10th, 2005 @ 10:54 am (no subject) |
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i am happy, yet drowning in inner turmoil.
im not really happy, im more just proud of myself for doing what i think is right.
i am a lier. im disapointed in myself for questioning what i feel is right.
for once i wish my heart and my head would agree. they dont like to do that. i have a huge final, over about three hundred pages of musculo-skeletal information next friday and its only going to be 20 questions long. that final is going to be the death of me. i should be studying with my every waking breath. ill hop to shortly. right now my heart is getting in my way and i need to let it bleed out a little to relieve pressure.
when i am with friends (i have made a couple friends here, how about that, huh?) i start to feel sick because i should be talking to someone else. everything in the world reminds me of that. every comment, every cloud, those fucking clouds, every bubble in the sink on my dirty dishes. its horrible. i dont know what to do with my self. am i right? am i just doing somehting thats hard to and feeling the reprocussions of that or am i wrong and simply forcing myself to believe that, am ignoring signs? what am i doing?!
i wish something was clear to me. no. i know what im doing. im standing inthe way, im being selfish. im hurting us both. who am i to decide that we are both better off this way? who the hell am i to decide we are not. why do i hurt people so badly? god... im dying right now. i dont like this. not at all. |
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